Sunday, November 18, 2007


I fell at work a few weeks ago. I remember walking down the street. It was a cool wet night. I tripped on a slippery cracked sidewalk. In what seemed like slowmotion I hit the ground. I saw it coming and tried everything to stop it. Do you know that feeling? The feeling of trying so hard. Fighting against the inevitable. When you realize you're going down it's already too late. You brace yourself hoping to soften the blow, but it seems as though you are running towards the ground and then you hit. It hurts. You get up, dust yourself off, check to see if anyone was looking, and keep walking.

I'm feeling the inevitable slowly creeping up on me. Only it's more of a rush and less of a creep. Does that even make sense? All my efforts go unnoticed. Not a single bit of gratitude. I pour out my heart and nothing is reciprocated. I wonder if he notices how much it hurts. He is never satisfied despite my best efforts. I mean it when I say this is my absolute best and it scares me that it's never going to be enough. Failure is inevitable.

How do I accept failure when there is so much at stake? I don't really have much of a choice. Unfortunately.......I see the ground getting closer and closer.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

It's been a always

So, as you all know yesterday was Halloween. Please spare me the lesson on how halloween is haraam and I'm going to hell and all that jazz because quite frankly I don't care what you think. My son has been dying for a cake for months. I decided to make an early AM stop at Supertarget to buy supplies so me and my little man could make cupcakes. He has no clue what Halloween is but I insisted that we buy everything needed for Spiderweb and Pumpkin cupcakes. We had a lot of fun and they were really yummy too. All he keeps telling me is thanks for the cut-cakes mom...I love you :).

If only life were so simple. If only cut-cakes made everything better. Maybe just maybe if I stopped worrying so much and try to enjoy each day I might begin to feel much better

There quite a few things to do this week(and by this week I mean before friday) so I better get moving.

1. Pay auto insurance. Apparently if you don't pay your bill for two months they cancel your insurance and then send you a letter saying if you don't pay they will send your bill to collections. *note to stamps so you have no excuse. Checks won't mail themselves*

2. Buy stamps *see note number 1*

3.Pay husband's trucking bill from his last job. Apparently they don't accept phone calls from jail and the husband felt no need to tell me. *Again make sure you buy stamps you idiot because like you can't do anything without them*

4. Make payment on furniture. See a pattern here? *For the last time buy the damn stamps and if you just can't do it sign up for online payments*

5. Finish pumpkin cupcakes. Throw out food coloring because the kid wants to put it on everything and not just cut-cakes.

6. Homework. *Sigh* Will this madness ever end? Oh yes it will. December 14th baby and then I'm done. I decided I cannot handle another minute of school until my husband returns.

7. Find hijabified pics of me and my husband. Looks like some people might not believe my 5 year marriage is the real deal so I need proof. *For years I've been telling you to take pics as a family and all I can find is two crappy pics when Abdurrahman was a baby. They'll never believe you now*

8. Try really hard to find 2004 tax return. If you fail, get copy from IRS.

9. Pay coinsurance for doctors visits, catheterizations...etc *MORE bills what's wrong with you. Better be happy you got a job. Say Alhamdulillah and then start writing. Those checks won't fill out themselves*

10. Sleep.

11. W0rk

12. Eat *You should think less about food and more about the rest of your list*

whatever else I forgot can't be too important right?